We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
