i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
My balls are so social today.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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