the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
