omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
