girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
