my shit smells like andre
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
