Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize