dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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