Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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