I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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