I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
