Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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