Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
