this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
