I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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