how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
