and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I deserve this hangover.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
