Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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