This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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