I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I stole a fireplace last night.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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