K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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