i already hear my dad disowning me
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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