i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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