i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
