was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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