I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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