Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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