It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I supernannyed him into submission
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
