as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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