pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
