I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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