hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
