The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I lost the right to judge tonight
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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