I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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