chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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