I seem to have left my pride at pride
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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