it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
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