I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
