I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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