oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize