I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
