I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
