Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
