I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Green mimosas i think yes
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
