Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
