break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
