My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
