i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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