fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
