I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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