Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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