90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
