She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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