I seem to have left my pride at pride
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
