I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize