We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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