u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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