I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
