I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
